from murky waters, we rise

i remember that i love you now as much as i did when we first met and i wish i had told you that once more.’

Etzali Hernández is a nonbinary latinx queer fierce femme poet, coder, dj and no borders organiser. Their pamphlet from murky waters, we rise is gorgeous.

Extracts from from murky waters we rise By Etzali Hernández Published by Forest Publications

ode to rainbow friendship in memory of Shaun Mitchell,

i remember looking at you for the first time and immediately wanting to be your friend. your hip and sharp demeanour. the realness of your being, pouring uncontrollably.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember calling you when I was about to board a plane for the first time in years. i’m humming a made-up song, and you immediately say: are you twerking?!

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember celebrating my birthday, rainbow cake and spliffs, tequila and prosecco. the three of us were laughing. i’m about to open a bottle while you’re shouting: don’t shake it, open it in the shower!

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember travelling on the night bus to birmingham, a baby crying the entire journey, working on a technical task for a job interview, and finally eating in a mcdonald’s crowded with drunk youngsters at 6 am.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember travelling back to glasgow via manchester. a taxi arriving way too early for us at your cousin’s, making a stop to eat chinese food, hopping on the tram and getting lost, missing the train and laughing hysterically at our mistake.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember messaging you for the last time, a casual check-in in the middle of a pandemic, a chat of chronic illness and medical racism as we often did. a quick goodbye that says i am thinking of you.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember us calling hospitals in the middle of a spring night and a few days away from your birthday. we are looking for answers as to why your door was broken. no one is telling us anything. calling here and there is like an electric circuit having a shortcut.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember him video calling me in the middle of my work shift. a brown face, swollen red eyes and the damn answer. when i told her, she fell to the ground like hurricane debris, and her cry made the flat howl like a wolf lamenting after losing a cub.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember burying you, a dystopian moment. 2 meters apart, without a way of physically holding our broken selves together. i could not muster the strength to see you once last time. i refused to make my last memory of you, of us.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember someone crying for you even after breaking you down to nothing. the we were best friends claims. the fakeness of some memorials. they used you as the face of their hypocritical organisations. whitewash. pinkwash. everyone was washing away your ideals, wants and struggles, just to get to say your name.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember us bursting out laughing at their boldness and praying that you cannot see all the fuckery from wherever you are now, because if someone deserves better, that someone is you.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, Trans and magical, Black as fuck, in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.

i remember that i love you now as much as i did when we first met and i wish i had told you that once more.

seeing you standing, Queer and proud, trans and magical, Black as fuck in your sea of caps, black hoodies and plaid shirts.